Saturday, February 19, 2011

It is hard.

I'm an emotional mess. I feel like it is not so much the chemical pregnancy ... but my hormones. Geesh. I really do feel like I am at peace with the fact that I am not pregnant. I think ... unless my mind is playing tricks on me. I am trying to have hope for the future ... hoping that God will move mountains and we will be able to try again. I can't not think like that.

I will be honest and just say I'm not in a great place right now. I know this. In hindsight ... I know the toll that this failed FET has taken on me has something to do with it. I find myself needing to focus. I feel like a robot. I am not happy with where I have allowed myself to get. And I'd like these damn hormones to leave my body.

I really have no idea why I am spewing this on my blog. I have never really been a private person, so why start now. This is all part of the journey. I am so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends and family ... near and far ... those I have met and those I have only talked to. Their support of me over the years means more to me than words could ever describe. Whether we were struggling with Payton's diagnosis, going through an international adoption, struggling with infertility ... or any other significant thing.

But it is hard. It is hard because most people do not truly understand what you are going through when such significant events come knocking on your door. The words and the support are so very necessary ... yet, I find it hard to verbalize my true emotions to these very people because they really do not get it. I suppose they can try to empathize ... but that does not even come close to walking in the shoes. I find myself pulling away, to an extent, from these very people in order to protect my heart. I don't want to hear comments that upset me ... and while I know every single person means well, it is hard. I tend to keep in my comfort zone. When I struggle with Down syndrome and all that comes with it, I call my Down syndrome mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with bonding and attachment, I call my adoption mommas ... because they get it. When I struggle with the emotions of infertility, I call my infertility mommas ... because they get it.

I struggle with this because I really do not want to push anyone away ... not at all. I need the support. Some calls and emails have not been returned. This is why. Perhaps it is wrong, but this is why. Each call, every email ... they are cherished in so many more ways than I can put into words. Please know this. But I need to protect my heart ... I understand it is guarded, but it is how it is for now. Much love.

20 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you are hurting and want you to know that I am lifting you up in prayer..praying for another chance to have another baby and praying for your strength and health...

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  2. Beth, my heart just ached for you. Oh how I wish I could leap through these pages and hug you tight.
    Hang in there..

    I have not commented in a very very long time as I have pulled back from the internet/social media in the past year+.
    But I went through several years of infertility and failed tries only to finally get pregnant with our Sam..but the in-between was everything you just wrote about. It was hell.

    Your heart will guide you to lean or to pull back when needed. But in the middle of it make sure you trust your emotions to your hubs.
    Surrounding you with prayers.

    Sari

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  3. I know we don't know each other {personally} or even that well through the internet world, but this post totally makes me wanna come hug you! Let all those emotions out, its good for the soul. And I know it feels better when you get them all out on a blog and feel validated by comments {I'm a words-of-affirmation-love-language girl myself}... so here is your affirmation! Hang in there! Better yet, don't hang in there, go have a big ol' cry in your closet. You'll feel MUCH better, I promise. ;)

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  4. Don't worry lady. You aren't the only one that does this. I find that I avoid my own mother because she just doesn't get it. I also avoid other parents adopting. The very people that I was so close with and in contact with every day I feel like I need to stay clear of...right now anyway. I feel so envious and a little bitter I have to admit. So go where you need to go. Don't worry if it's right or wrong. The ones that truly love you will be there on the way out of this long dark tunnel waiting for you on the other side. The ones that don't understand and decide not to wait around...well...they aren't worth the worry. Thinking of you always.

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  5. Biggest hugs to you Bethany! Praying that those mountains are moved for you and your beautiful family.

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  6. Honey! You are loved and I hate that you are going through this. I want so much to make this all better. I love love love you!!

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  7. so sorry for what you are going through, praying for you.....

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  8. I do the shut down mode myself.Build the walls as a method of protection.During seizure days and chemo days,if I answered each call and email and had to delve into what was going on or how I was doing,I would be a mess 24/7.So although I do not completely understand this heartache you are going through right now, I do get it,on a certain level.Really I do.

    Sending you love from a far and will be giving you a great big hug when I see you a month from now.Till then,many prayers.

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  9. I can't pretend to know what you are feeling. But I am sorry that you are going through this. Just know that there are a whole lot of us out here in bloggy land thinking and praying for you and sending you our love!!!

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  10. Hugs honey. I don't really know what to say but my ears are open if you want to talk.

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  11. So sorry for the struggles you are going through. My prayers are with you.

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  12. I completely understand! As one "infertility/miscarriage momma" to another, I am hear if you want to vent or chat or whatever!

    Love to you at this difficult time!

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  13. Hi you....if you are still up and want to talk call me! ...Kindred spirit you are, I tell ya! Life feels so complicated sometimes and it is so hard to wade through our feelings...especially when your family circumstances are at hand and hormones are flying a plenty! There is such a sense of "not in control" with infertility and it can be so isolating and so frustrating and so heart wrenching. I am most definitely praying for mountains to be moved for you....and feel so certain they will. ...selfishly I hope they move like, tomorrow! ;) xoxo

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  14. Frequent visitor but very infrequent commenter... doesn't mean that you haven't been in my daily thoughts lately. I originally found your blog years ago -- I have a 4 year old daughter with Ds(and a 2 year old son) and adoption is always something I think about. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing your beautiful children.

    I don't have any words of wisdom (as I have not been in your shoes) but wanted to say hello and let you know you are being thought of during this difficult time.

    Hugs to you,
    Jill

    PS - Love your new header. I keep looking at it trying to figure out which one is Chicky and which one is Nika. Maybe Payton on the right?

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  15. i've no doubt it's hard. i've no doubt it's hell. go on and protect your heart. burrow in deep and be stingy with your love, saving the best bits. let yourself ride the waves when they come. don't hold back or hurry them away. it's hard. it's hell. but you will make it through. yes, you'll make it out just fine. so go on and take your time putting your heart back together. no one's going anywhere.

    big love to you, dear girl.

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  16. I've been/am here, we have struggled with IF for years and are still childless, I have one failed IVF under my belt, when i was going through that cycle I was 100% sure that was the one and only IVF cycle we'd ever do, there is no way in hell we could afford another one emotionally or financially, once it failed we found a way, so I have no doubt in my mind you'll find a way to try again.

    M.

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  17. I'm so sorry friend. I wish the outcome would have been different :(. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings through your journey.

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  18. I wish I had just the right thing to say, but can only offer hugs and prayers.

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