Monday, February 14, 2011

so many reasons.

there are so many reasons why i wanted this to work.

this baby would have been payton's fraternal twin ... born six years later.
my beta was scheduled for today.
valentine's day.
today also happens to be my grandmother's 80th birthday.

i would have been due on october 21, 2011.
that is nika's birthday.
i was due with payton on mason's birthday.

i just really, honestly thought it was meant to be.

our baby tried.
it snuggled in.
seven days past transfer i got a positive result.

IMG_2217wm

i was pregnant.
i was freakin ecstatic.

i had spent that entire morning sobbing thinking it hadn't worked.
and then i tested again, just this one time.
it was positive.
it was just payton and i at home.
i jumped up and down.
i sobbed tears of joy.
i told payton we were having a baby.
she jumped up and down.
and looked around for said baby.
she didn't understand ... but i'll never forget that moment.

we called daddy together.
he just laughed at me because i was freaking out and i could not stop crying.
he was so excited.

but then i continued to get only faint test results using other brands.
that scared me.

nine days past transfer i retested with another digital test.
the same brand from which i had received my positive.
BFN.
big fat negative.
i.was.crushed.
gutted.
i sobbed.
and sobbed some more.

two days later.
i got another positive.
i was so confused.

it is isolating.
infertility is so freakin isolating.

today my nurse confirmed a negative test result.

i have lost this baby.
a chemical pregnancy.
guess that is what they call it.

i am gutted.
i really thought it was meant to be.

74 comments:

  1. I have no helpful words except I'm very sorry. So sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Infertility sucks!!!! I am so very sorry. I thought you'd be shouting great new today. This sucks. I love you and we'll both be pregnant someday, just in God's perfect timing.....big.huge. hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm crying with you, my friend. I offer my ear for if/when you want to talk/cry/yell/whatever...I'm here. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Bethany! I'm crying for you :( Prayed for you guys that this would work. I know sorry doesn't make it any better; but what other words there? And I am. I am so very sorry. My heart is heavy with this news :(

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort & peace for you today. You are loved ♥

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bethany, I'm sorry. Ugh, I am so sorry the wind has been completely taken out of your sail. It is unfair that this did not pan out. I hope something positive can come out of that nasty little negative test...

    ReplyDelete
  7. you had me at so many reasons... I was pulling for you and said my prayers. I'm sorry for how you must feel.. will there be another try? I was thinking you said this was it.. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so sorry....I know how much this baby was wanted. I have no words. Only sadness :(

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Bethany, I'm so sad for you. Damn it. I really wanted this for you. Truly so sorry;(

    ReplyDelete
  10. Crying tears with you my friend. :( Hold your sweet little ones that are here with you a little closer today. many x & o's

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry Bethany...:( Sending prayers your way!

    ReplyDelete
  12. i am so sorry bethany! i am serious, i am sick to my stomach reading this and so incredibly sorry!!! i know virtual hugs aren't the same as the real thing - but i am sending them anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Crying with you too. Love you, lady. I'm here for you anytime. We still need to schedule that dinner!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Bethany...I am so very very sorry. We have have been praying for you and you were never far from my mind/heart today. :(

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am so very sorry. It just sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, that is downright horrible. Oh, I'm so sad. Thinking of you today.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm so sorry! Words can't express my sorrow for your loss!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am so crushed for you...
    (((HUGS))) Bethany...

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am sorry. I have been there too.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Bethany, I am in tears for you! I understand the pain of this loss...I have been there a few times! It is so hard! I still want to be pregnant again, but the infertility has definitely taken a toll on me and my emotions the last few years. I know it will work out for you, but it is still so hard right now. It was especially hard when we had told our girls too! I wish there was something I could do for you! I will keep you in my prayers though. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  21. So sorry Bethany; I prayed this would work too.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh Bethany..I'm so sorry...I have no idea what it's like to deal with infertility, so I won't say something trite, but I can imagine the pain and confusion with all those contradictory tests...
    thinking of you friend...

    ReplyDelete
  23. The words are hard to find right now, so I will just say I am so sorry! I hope you find peace.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You were on my mind today...and now I know why. I am so very sorry, I know how much you and Kyle wanted this. There are no words to heal the pain. I hope you can feel the love across the miles. I want you to know that I totally love your little family. Your handsome, sweet loving Mason, your super spunky hippy chick Payton (who might be my DIL someday who knows right?) and your incredibly sweet and amazing Russian princess Nika. You are blessed, even though today was not what you had dreamed.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am so sorry Bethany. So very sorry. I wanted this to work for you. For your family. For your heart. I wish we could fix it.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sending you love my friend and lots of prayers.Sorry your heart is heavy.wishing I could do more.


    Would send you big virtual hugs but I am hoping that next month i will be able to wrap my arms around you in person.

    ReplyDelete
  27. SH*T! I know I should say something more soothing or encouraging, sorry, nothing eloquent coming.

    it just totally stinks ...

    ReplyDelete
  28. There are no words to say. I am heartbroken for for you and love you. Remember that we never understand what God has planned for us.

    ReplyDelete
  29. My heart hurts for you. I know I can't possibly understand your pain but I certainly can feel bad that you hurt. And I am with Heather in hoping that I will be able to give you a "real" hug next month. So sorry!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Im sorry. words just seem adequate.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I am sorry for your loss. Praying.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so sorry Bethany. :( I wish I could give you a big hug!

    ReplyDelete
  33. No words... just want you to know I am thinking of you, and will visualize you feeling whole and strong and content in the days to come. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  34. :( I'm so sorry, I was so hoping that this would work too. Praying for you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  35. oh, dear girl...it isn't enough to say i'm sending arms to hug through this voided space, but it's all i have. but it's yours. for as long as you need.

    big love, sweet girl.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I'm so sorry, Bethany. I had all my fingers and toes crossed for you that this would work. Know that you're in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I am so sorry. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  38. ((Hugs)) to you. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out this time, it is truly heartbreaking. Can't wait to see you in March- we'll have a cocktail and toast to the beautiful children we do have!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Sending hugs and prayers of comfort to you...look at all of these people who care so much about you!

    ReplyDelete
  40. So so sorry to hear that. I lost an early pregnancy in Nov and it just sucks. Sending you hugs from WI.

    ReplyDelete
  41. {Hugs} Im so sorry Bethany!! Praying for you and your family!!!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I've been there, Bethany, and it sucks. Big time.

    I'm sorry. That's all I can say for now.....

    Hugs to you,
    Peggy
    Mommy to Cason
    Fellow infertility expert (unfortunately)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am so sorry friend! {{{HUGS}}} to you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I am so so so so sorry. I know how bad you wanted this baby...I wanted it for you. I don't know what else to say. Wish I could give you a big hug!!! Sending my love....

    ReplyDelete
  45. There are no words. I'm devastated for you. Oh how I wish this was different. I'm so sorry Bethany. Something about the baby being Payton's twin just breaks my heart into pieces. Biggest hugs my friend. If there is anything I could do, I would do it for you in a heartbeat.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Bethany, you have the whole blogosphere rooting for you.

    You're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more comforting to say, but just I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Oh Bethany! Prayers for you, I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you have gone through! xo

    ReplyDelete
  49. I am so sorry Bethany! I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers, and will pray that the Lord will ease your sorrow! Coleen & Nolan

    ReplyDelete
  50. I wish I had the words to comfort you...I'm so sorry. We love you guys, hang in there...

    ReplyDelete
  51. I am sorry...there are no words.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Love & hugs to you...very brave of you to open up to everyone about such a sensitive issue.
    -Meegs

    ReplyDelete
  53. I dont know what to say Bethany....Just know that I love ya girl and i am sending you lots of cyber hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Ugh. No words. This is heart wrenching for me second-hand. I can only imagine. (hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  55. I'm so sorry to hear that Bethany.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Oh, Mama.
    My heart is so heavy for you. You word it so well, the confusion and the ups and downs of the tests and the results. Oh, dear Mama. I will keep praying for you. Sending you so much love. Wish I could send you what you really want. Wish I could so very badly.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I just now saw this post...I am so so sorry Bethany...no words to make you feel better, wish I could give you a big hug...You are such an amazing momma and so blessed with all you have...I can hope and pray this little miracle of having another little one will happen in time for you and Kyle...xoxo

    I am in love with your new pics at the top of your blog ...such sweet adorable kids you have...

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm so sorry.

    Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  59. Oh Bethany, I am so, so sorry! I really wanted it to work for you! I feel so bad. I can't imagine how hard that is. I will keep you in my prayers. You are one amazing woman! Please, let me know if I can do anything. :)

    ReplyDelete
  60. Awww, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that pain. BIG HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  61. so sorry, Bethany. how crushing. praying.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Bethany, I am so so sorry. So sorry. I feel sick and sad inside knowing you are going through this. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but I want you to know I am thinking about you and praying right now for your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I'm so sorry. I can't really imagine what you're going through, but I can hear some of it in your words. "I'm sorry" doesn't do much, but there it is- I'm sorry for your lost little precious one, and for your lost hope, and for the pain. I've never been where you are, and I can only pray I never will be, and I wish nobody ever had to be. You'll get through it, and one day the pain won't be as fresh. Until then, know that you have all these friends (even if you don't actually know us all) who are thinking about you and feeling your pain as best we can.

    **Internet hug for you**

    ReplyDelete
  64. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for you loss. Sending hugs to you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  65. I am sorry Bethany. Infertility sucks ass and too many of us deal with it. Love from my family to yours.

    Christy

    ReplyDelete