Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It's beyond frustrating... infertility, that is.

Somehow it's been over a year since our failed attempt to have another baby. We had two embryos frozen from when we went through in vetro fertilization with Payton. I felt strongly about using those embryos rather than start fresh... I think mostly because they were Payton's fraternal twins.

One survived the thaw, one didn't.

We were pregnant for a hot minute... ecstatic until we learned the embryo had arrested in development and we had a chemical pregnancy on our hands.

I was truly gutted.

IMG_2571wm
A charm Kyle got me after we found out I was pregnant... before we learned it was a chemical pregnancy.

Fast forward to the present... we tried again. Over the course of the past several weeks... we reintroduced ourselves to daily injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, anesthesia and an egg retrieval, an embryo transfer, bed rest and high anxiety.

ivf 3:12 wm

I am five and a half weeks pregnant... but I am miscarrying.

I am sad and frustrated... incredibly frustrated. Going through infertility treatments requires so much money, so much time... so much is invested in this one chance to have a baby. And to be so close... yet so far away... it is beyond frustrating.

So now we wait. We have five embryos on ice across town... praying one of them will make their debut into this world someday.

74 comments:

  1. Oh Bethany, I can totally relate with you on SO many levels. Continued prayers to you and your family. Infertility sucks. Plain and simple. It just sucks. Love and hugs sent your way!

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  2. Sending lots of prayers your way...

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  3. As someone who has known you a very long time I can't help but wonder WHY? It may sound harsh and cold but why not be happy with the 3 beautiful children you have, why put yourself through all this, why not accept the fact that in order to have one more child you have to go through all this pain? Why not just stop? I also can not have any more kids and have accepted that-I was truly blessed to have the two I have as I never thought I'd have children. I feel your pain and can't say I've ever gone through what your going through but why one more? When I got pregnant with Jace I was put on bed rest 5 months into my pregnancy, I swore I would never do to that to my children again as I felt like Jaz missed out on so much. I would love to have one more child but have to put the needs of my family and my own health first. I hope and pray everything works out for you and Kyle. I know I don't have to remind you to be happy with what you have and embrace that every chance you get.

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    1. B I also had an eptopic pregnancy between the girls and can not tell you how sorry I am about you miscarrying-that is the worst thing a mother could ever go through. Hang tough and it will all work out as I truly believe it's in gods hands and part of his plan.

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    2. If you know something is going to sound cold and harsh, then why say it? Because yeah... that was cold and harsh. I guess I don't need you or anyone else to understand why we want another baby. That said - putting myself out there and sharing the world of infertility... I suppose that opens me up to judgment. That's all I am going to say right now because I'm hurt and angry.

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    3. Are you kidding me right now? You say you know Bethany and yet your giving her crap for wanting another child? Is that your place to inject your opinion on a blog post for te rest of the world to see at such a vulnerable time for her? All this woman wants is another child, she is an amazing mother, but you probably wouldn't know that...she's hurting more than words. And here you go on her blog telling her to just be happy with what she has? That is not for you to say. You should be ashamed of yourself, think before you speak and keep your mean judgmental comments to yourself, especially when someone you know is hurting. Wow...grow up!

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    4. when my son died at the age of three, a person who professed to love me told me that I should "be happy I have 3 healthy children left". I remember thinking NO ONE could be that insensitive and cold. Like, somehow the other 3 make up for the one I lost? or that his loss was lessened because I had 3 more. I remember thinking that there couldnt possibly be more than one person that cold and cruel. Now I know.
      "Be happy you have 3" is not the correct response to someone sharing their pain and loss over a much wanted child. For the record. shocking that anyone really needs to tell you that. But, yeah...

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    5. I am a pretty shy commentor...I read alot and don't always comment...but geez man, this one got my blood boiling. What kind of friend or even person are you? You say you know her well enough to say that?? NO one knows anyone well enough to say that. It's not your place to decide or comment what Bethany and Kyle want or 'should' be happy with. I came here to support Bethany...we should be able to focus on HER...and lift her UP, NOT tear her down. Now onto what I cam here for.....

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    6. Oh wow, Angie, good one! That's exactly what Bethany needs to hear right now, when she is losing her precious baby. Nice way to send her love and show support.

      Bethany, I am so sorry that it's happening. We're sending our our love and prayers to help you get through to the sad times.

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    7. Holy hell. Really? Is that what you, Angie, wanted someone to say to you when you had your ectopic pregnancy? Do you think for a minute that comment was necessary? Why? Just because you are okay with two does not make it wrong to try for 1 or even ten more.

      I lost Abby's twin early in my second trimester. More than one person said crap like that to me. I learned quickly who my friends are and are not.

      I'm so sorry. So terribly sorry. I wish there were any good words, but none suffice. I am praying for you now and will pray that the next round works out. In the meantime, if you need anything, I'm here.

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    8. Angie makes a good point about the other kids missing out while the mom struggles trying to conceive in an overpopulated world full of kids who need families. But yeah, let's gang up on Angie for pointing out how selfish it is.

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    9. Big words for someone who is afraid to identify themselves, Anonymous. For the record, my kids are not missing out on ANYTHING. Take your orphan preaching elsewhere ... It's not welcome here. I've adopted and it's ignorant and insensitive to tell someone who wants to conceive to just "go adopt".

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    10. Not orphan preaching,and please accept my apology.

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    11. Oh my gosh. To be so insensitive to someone that is hurting...wow.

      Just wow.

      We were given a 10% chance our third child would live. I remember an aunt of mine saying to me "well, if your daughter dies, at least you have your brother's little girl to love".

      I guess the best advice I have for you, Angie: if you type "this might sound harsh and cold", that might be a good time to take a step back and edit.

      it is harsh. and cold.

      Bethany, as one infertility mom to another. I know the ache of not knowing whether you will ever get pregnant again. Wanting the pink lines to appear and have a baby stick. The pokes, tests, needles. Seeing an ultrasound and wondering if that baby will be around to kick you ten weeks from now. Feeling kicks and STILL feeling uneasy. The road it takes to even SEE two pink lines.

      It all sucks.

      Praying for you through the days ahead and especially as you figure out what happens next.

      I am sorry, friend.

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  4. Bethany,

    I am so, so, so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this, it's such a hard thing.

    I am currently miscarrying as well and have been for almost two weeks. I have finally decided to go through with a d&c tomorrow. It's heartbreaking. We m/c'ed in January as well. It's just a sad place to be in.

    I will be following your journey and sending many positive thoughts. You will get to that place where you want to be. Best wishes. <3

    Kristine

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    1. Omgosh Kristine, I am so sorry. :( I wish I had known. Praying for you guys...

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  5. This totally stinks. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I have never been through infertility, but suffered a miscarriage before and wow, that hurts so much and I can't even imagine how that feels when you have waited for so long. I am sorry this is happening, and I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better, but I am sure there isn't.

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  6. There are no words that will make any of this easier. So I will just pray.

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  7. Debbie Dawidowicz, childhood friend of your Moms.April 4, 2012 at 9:13 AM

    Bethany, I cant relate as a parent, but my son Adam can. He (and his ex wife) lost their twin boys at 6 months into the pregnancy 2 years ago. They were conceived in vitro also. I remember how difficult in vitro was for her, and for him. We thought everything was fine until incompetent cervix just appeared out of nowhere. My husband and I were with them when they were born, living for two hours. I am so very sorry for your loss.

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  8. Bethany,

    I cannot imagine the trials of what you are going through. I am so sorry you are losing this baby. This is a tough road you are traveling, and I truly hope that you can find peace along the way.

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  9. I am sure you are grieving the loss of your baby(ies) - this is a lot for your body and minds to go through. Keep using all of your support systems, keep being there for each other, and keep trying and talking about this. I don't have personal experience with a miscarriage but have friends who have - so I am unsure of the "right" thing to say here - but all I know is that I am here for you virtually - and I look forward to welcoming another family member into the world with you when the time is right.

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  10. in my prayers B. Im sorry. Parents know what their family is meant to look like, feel like. When you know in your heart number 4 is there, somewhere, then you just know. Praying with you that one of the remaining embryos is number 4.

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  11. Bethany, you know that I think you are an amazing person and I trust that you know what is right for you and your family. I know the feeling of your family NOT being complete. That feeling subsided the second Avery was born. I feel at peace with that. I hope you find some peace as well. Whatever your decision is, it's the right one for you and your kiddos! I'm so sorry that this is such a difficult time for you. It just makes me sad that wonderful parents such as yourself have so much trouble and other people that don't even want their own children have no trouble at all. There is just no justice in that. I am absolutely enamored with your family and I am hopeful that if you choose to try again, that you will find success! Big hugs to you Bethany. Kathleen Teal

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  12. Bethany, my heart is breaking for you. I hope you can feel the hugs and love across the miles. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share...but I know nothing will take away this pain. Please know we are thinking about you and Kyle and your entire family.

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  13. I am so sorry, I understand you wanting more children. I had three children before I was 24 going to college and keeping a house and family was hard. Husband had a vasectomy , 15 yrs later he had it reversed so I could have more children . I always felt someone was missing . I had Paige at 39 and Peyton at 42 . Keep the faith
    Hugs Katrina

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  14. What Carmen said! It's no ones place or business to question why Bethany wants another child, or why she is willing to go through what she is going through to have another child. Some people need to keep their mouth shut and mind their own business.

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  15. Bethany,
    I am very sorry to hear your family's news. I only had one miscarriage and I remember being told I should be happy for the children I had. Well of course I was, that didn't stop me wanting another precious little child to our family though. You have such a beautiful family and I hope things work out for you the way you want them to.
    Lisa

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  16. I'm sorry, Bethany. Thinking of you.

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  17. So so sorry Bethany. Praying that the next try sticks! After an ectopic rupture before Piper, and complications after her, we adopted Max. My own father just didn't get it. He constantly kept telling us to "just have another". As if it was a finger snap away. Nobody but you and your hubby can decide what's best for your family. As long as you're trying, I'll be praying for you!

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  18. So so sorry Bethany. Praying that the next try sticks! After an ectopic rupture before Piper, and complications after her, we adopted Max. My own father just didn't get it. He constantly kept telling us to "just have another". As if it was a finger snap away. Nobody but you and your hubby can decide what's best for your family. As long as you're trying, I'll be praying for you!

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  19. So so sorry Bethany. Praying that the next try sticks! After an ectopic rupture before Piper, and complications after her, we adopted Max. My own father just didn't get it. He constantly kept telling us to "just have another". As if it was a finger snap away. Nobody but you and your hubby can decide what's best for your family. As long as you're trying, I'll be praying for you!

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  20. Sorry to hear your sad news Bethany! May you find strength, peace and comfort in the days to come. Sending prayers for Gods plan to play out as it should. Your an amazing Momma.

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  21. Bethany

    Oh I check your blog daily for updates and was so sorry to read this! Ethan! Aidan and I will put you and Kyle in our prayers tonight! So so sorry!

    Nicole

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  22. Bethany,
    I just saw this and am heartbroken for you all!!! Thinking and praying for you during such a sad and hard time!!!! Sending a great big hug!!!! N

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  23. I am so sorry Bethany. Praying for you and your family.

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  24. Peggy, Cason's mommyApril 4, 2012 at 1:46 PM

    Bethany, as a fellow sufferer of infertility, my heart breaks for you. Every negative pregnancy test, every miscarriage, every failed cycle is heart-wrenching. The desire to have a baby, whether it's your first or your fourth, never fades. Each couple and each situation is different. My husband and I were sure that if we had one child, we were finished with treatments since it had taken 3 fresh IVFs and one FET cycle. The money and time just wouldn't be there for us any longer. Our decision was just that--OUR decision. Just like the decision for you to try once more, or fifty times more, is YOUR decision. Please know that your friends and family will support you in whatever you desire, no matter what that decision is!!! I love you girl and will pray that whatever you want will come to you and your hubby. Best of luck to you all!!!

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  25. Your post took my breath away and filled my eyes with tears. I am devastated for you and your husband. We have been down the exact same road. We are very blessed to have our two beautiful teen daughters that came to us thru adoption. Hug your 3 angels close as everyone, us included, prays for next time. You are in our thoughts and prayers.......

    Susan from Boston

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  26. I'm so sorry Bethany. I'm praying for you and sending hugs your way!!

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  27. My heart is aching for you right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. We have experienced a different road to building our family, but it has also been a rough road. I have conceived 3 times. I have carried 3 babies to term. I have delivered 3 babies by c-section and yet, I only have two babies to snuggle and kiss goodnight. When we lost Landon, time stood still. When we found out that Lucy, our very colorful rainbow baby, was sporting some designer genes, my world stood still again.

    We are TTC again. Let me rephrase that, we are 'somewhat secretly' TTC again because I'm afraid of judgement from our friends and family. I'm afraid to hear someone say "WHY?!" when I tell them that we want to complete our family by adding another member...even if that person intended the comment to be supportive (it's that "I was just trying to help, I didn't mean it that way" comment that I think I'm most afraid of). But reading the post above, I now realize that I think I can handle that type of response. It ruffled my feathers and seeing it actually happen in someone else's situation gives me a new perspective on how much weight should truly be given to that type of judgement.

    I just want to say again how sorry I am for your loss....and also the previous loss. Have you ever heard the song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark? It is an excellent tribute to pregnancy loss.

    Thank you for sharing your life in your blog. Thank you for sharing your struggles to build a family.

    Renee (Lucy's Mommy)

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  28. Bethany

    I'm so sorry you are m/c that was one fantastic looking hatching blast. Did you do PGD? I truly hope that one or more of your little totsicles ends up needing diapers.

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  29. praying that one day number 4 will make his or her debut! I guess I'm a selfish person too cause I have two daughters and would give anything I had to have a third. But I made the selfish decision 11 years ago to tie my tubes. So here I am stuck. No one can say to be happy with what you got. They aren't you, and God has obviously put on your heart to have another child, whether it be through IVF or adoption. Many blessings to you and your family!

    PS...ignore the haters, they are everywhere! ;-)

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  30. So very sorry for your loss Bethany. IT STINKS!!!!! My own Mother can't understand why I would want another child after having 2 beautiful kids. But... I have lost 5, and I have just always wanted a bigger family. I don't need to justify myself to her, or anyone, and neither do you. I hope someday you get your baby and I hope I do to. And if I can never physically have another, I hope to adopt someday.

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  31. Bethany,

    Thank you for sharing this. It's very brave and I respect you so much for allowing us all to read your story and be part of your journey.

    I hope you can find comfort in knowing that hope can pop up when you least expect it . . . and so can a miracle! :) Everything can change in a day, a SINGLE day -- good or bad -- but I know that the *good* change . . . the kind you both so desperately want, will appear soon in the form of a brand new baby.

    Sending you my love, hugs, and strength. xoxo

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  32. I was excited for that + picture. Then the next line brought tears to my eyes. I medical stuff going on right now where I can't get pregnant, and although it's different than yours... it sucks! Sending prayers and good thoughts and/or whatever else you need sent your way

    xo

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  33. Bethany, please know that I'll be lifting you and your beautiful family up in my prayers.

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  34. I love you Bethany. I'm so sad to read this. I pray that your baby dream comes true. PRAYING!

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  35. Bethany, I can't imagine how much this hurts. You're in my prayers.

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  36. Bethany,

    As a fellow IAG mom who is also a bio mom and has lost a child I just want to tell you how sorry I am to hear this. Forget your crazy friend's stupid post. If you feel there should be more children in your family you should go for it. Only you know what you should be doing. Not all of us bring our children into the family easily so hang in there and keep trying! After our oldest passed away (he was adopted from Russia) and we wanted to adopt from Russia again I had people asking me if I knew what I was doing. They are not worth listening to. You know what your family should be. I am so sorry about the miscarriage. Keep at it and it will all work out as it should. I too miscarried after IVF. The worst. Such a terrible feeling. There is nothing you can do and it just stinks. Hang in there and thank you for sharing.

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  37. Lifting you all up in prayer.
    hugs from Louisiana

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  38. Love you my friend. Sending you strength, patience and prayers. It is one of the hardest things for any woman to go through. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on, you are definitely the little engine that CAN. {{HUGS}}

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  39. I just found your blog today. I am so very sorry for you loss. I haven't struggled w/ getting pregnant, but have definitely struggled with staying pregnant. I have been pregnant 4 times and I have 1 DD. The only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that God alone is in control. that isn't always easy nor does it ease the physical and emotional pain, but I take comfort in the fact that I will see those babies one day.

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  40. I also went though IVF. Out of all the eggs they got, only 1 was mature. It did fertilize and made it to day 5 but didnt result in a pregnancy. It is very frustrating and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    We have since adopted a beautiful baby girl and couldnt be happier. But, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to experience pregnancy.

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  41. Bethany, I am so sad about your loss. We truly feel your pain. You have a real prince for a husband. If I had a good egg I would send you one. We love you and are thinking about you and the wonderful work you do for others. Your compassion and strength inspires me to be a better person. We are so proud to be part of your family. Give Mason, Payton, and Nika our love and don't let them eat too many jelly beans. Love, Uncle Jim and Aunt Ellie

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  42. I'm so sorry Bethany! Sending you and your family a giant bear hug and will be praying that you will get pregnant the next time around. Meanwhile cry, scream, and throw a tantrum if necessary-maybe have a beer while you still can. ;)

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  43. You know I am here for I love you so much. I hate this post. :( :( :(

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  44. I'm crying of course. I wish we could go out to tea and cry together. I hate miscarriages :(

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  45. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I know how hard it is! it sucks. If you need an ear to listen let me know Im here!

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  46. sigh....I have been praying so hard for you all. I am so sorry. We are thinking of you guys here! Sending 'lots of positive thoughts your way. - Laura Fleischmann

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  47. Tracy rae Johanneck UtphallApril 6, 2012 at 4:34 PM

    Ughhh... I'm so sorry.. its a heartbreak that noone can imagine unless they have been thru the Infertility world! All the emotions...it seems so unfair..

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  48. So sorry to hear this, Bethany. I will keep you in my prayers. HUGS

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  49. Love you guys.

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  50. Thinking about you and sending lots of love and prayers.

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  51. You've been on my mind all day, and now I know why. Oh, my heart aches for you my faraway momma friend. My eyes are filled with tears for you, my heart is achingly heavy, and my soul groans with the pain of your heart and spirit waiting for another beautiful child to add to your amazing and wonderful family. Ache, cry, tears, pain, pray. And repeat. Sending you love and prayers and wishing I could do so, so much more.

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  52. I'm so sorry - yesterday would have been my son's 8th birthday. I know all the comments in the world won't help anything but please accept my sympathies.

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  53. I'm so sorry to hear that, Bethany, I truly am. You come across as an amazing mother. I just lost a little one at 5 weeks and I'm so ... Confused. They were to be my first. Big love and virtual hugs all the way from Australia. Thanks for sharing, it makes the experience less lonely. That little charm would be so bittersweet. Love, Sarah Kate.

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  54. Being a mom to two post vasectomy reversal babies, who lost 3 babies after my last baby born, I can feel your pain! I cried deep tears each and every time. My second post reversal baby happened to have Down syndrome, and brought me straight to the Ds club. I wish I could take your pain of infertility away. I wish I could take the pain of losing your sweet baby away. I can't. I can't, any more than I could take the pain I had, when I wanted more kids. I know this pain well. It is my best friend. Every day I will pray for you. I know your heart only wants to love more. You are a rare breed my friend. A huge open heart! I love you, and I am praying that you will find peace in what ever God has in store for you. Love, Di

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  55. Hugs and prayers for you. We're in the infertility roll of he dice ourselves. I am so sorry your heart is mourning your miscarriage for a second time. I am sorry your body is hurting too.

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  56. I’ve been out of the blogging world for awhile and just clicked on your blog for an update. So sad to read this update. I can’t understand the negative comments. Wanting another baby doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the ones you already have. In fact, that was the biggest reason I always wanted one more. Because I was so in love with the children that I did have that I didn’t want to ever stop. Sending you so much love and prayers! xoxo

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  57. No words...just hugs and tears.

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  58. Oh Bethany...I know I'm late here, but I'm so sorry...I've never been through that, so I can't even imagine...
    prayers being said for you....

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  59. Not orphan preaching,and please accept my apology.

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